I could have been one

I could have been one of the 49 people killed or one of the 53 wounded in the early Sunday morning attack in the crowded gay bar Pulse in Orlando, Fla. This is the thought that repeats over and over again in my brain as more and more news rolls in about the attack, about the gunman and about the numerous victims.

I may not have ever been to Pulse, but I have been to several gay bars throughout my life. And hate knows no specific city or specific place.

Not only are a large portion of my friends members of the LGBT community but I am a member of the LGBT community. Prior to moving here, I frequented gay bars more than I frequented other establishments.

I have often not fit in, in “normal” places. Gay bars were the one place — no matter the city, no matter the crowd — that I always felt at home. Everyone treats everyone like family. They celebrate you for your uniqueness or your weirdness. Gay bars are the one place where you can be 100 percent yourself and no one is going to make you feel less than for it. You can dance, you can sing — even if you’re bad at it — and people will cheer. Freedom from judgment and ridicule, dancing and drag shows are a few of my favorite things.

After hearing about the tragedy in Orlando Sunday morning, I felt helpless and sad and completely disgusted. I could not believe that level of hate could exist. How could someone hate certain kinds of people so much that they would take so many innocent lives?

I believe people have the right to believe whatever they choose to believe. That is a basic freedom. But regardless of those differences, we are all human. Everyone lost on Sunday was someone. Everyone that was wounded is someone. All of us — every single beating heart — are someone. We deserve to be able to live how we wish and to love — whoever we choose — and be happy.

The saddest part of the deadliest mass shooting in United States history is that the gunman, Omar Mateen, hated himself more than he hated those he killed or injured. Self-hate led to this tragedy. Mateen had frequented Pulse several times, according to witnesses. He also used gay dating apps such as Jack’d.

Many are calling this a terrorist attack, stating that Mateen had connections to Al Qaeda or was a member of Hezbollah. No one knows for sure if this is true or if it aided in the attack. While it may have, I believe the main force in what I’m calling the deadliest hate crime ever committed was Mateen’s own self-hate. He killed and injured over 100 people because he could not come to terms with his own homosexuality and/or bisexuality. He hated himself so much that he splattered his hate in screams, blood and fear in a nightclub early on a Sunday morning.